Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy and Envy

Envy is the emotion that occurs when we experience an extreme desire for something that someone else has, whether it is a quality, achievement or possession but we don’t think we can have it. Jealousy is the emotion that occurs when we anticipate or feel the loss of something of great value to us, whether it be a quality, achievement or possession. In other words, one exists when we wish to keep what we have and the other occurs when we want to get what we don’t have and in either case, feel powerless to do so. Why do these emotional states feel so similar (similar enough to be confused as one another)? Because they are both the emotional reflection of lack. The lack of something intensely wanted or needed. And sometimes, you can feel jealousy and envy at the very same time. Particularly if your loss is someone else’s gain.

Right off the bat, we must establish that there is nothing wrong or bad about jealousy or envy. It is an emotion. Like anger, jealousy and envy have been made out to be inappropriate things to experience. Envy was picked to be one of the seven deadly sins. This may be unfair because if it’s a sin, it’s one no human can prevent committing. You’re set up to fail. Telling yourself not to feel how you feel or telling someone else not to feel the way they feel doesn’t stop them from feeling that way, it just adds fear and self-condemnation to the feeling, making it even worse.

Jealousy and envy can only arise when we are in the perspective that we are separate from one another. After all, if we are coming from the perspective of being ‘one’ and you gain something, I gain it as well. This is how to know that the ego is involved in the perception we hold if we feel jealousy or envy. It means the ego perceives a threat. Such as a third party threat to a connection it has with someone or a threat to it’s own sense of significance or self-image. So what do we do when we feel jealousy or envy?

We only feel jealousy and/or envy when we perceive lack. So first, we must become aware of whether it is indeed jealousy or whether it is envy that we feel. We must then use our conscious awareness to figure out what it is we are feeling that we lack. If it is jealousy, what precious thing are we afraid we are going to lose? If it is envy, what precious thing do we not have that we desperately want? We need to then consciously be willing to alter our perspective by playing a game of abundance with ourselves. It’s called “How do I actually have that thing I think I lack?” For example, if you’re afraid of losing attention, how do you have attention in your life? Or if you think you lack value, how do you have value? Make a list of as many ways you can think of that you do in fact have that you think you lack. Think in terms of “How do I already have what I am so desperately wanting?” Get as creative as you can with this list. Pretend to be someone else who has less walking into your life. What might they notice that you take for granted?

Think of other, alternative ways of getting the thing you think you lack. Jealousy and envy both alert us to desires and needs that we have. So, we need to admit to those needs and desires and consciously work towards them. Nowhere else is this more relevant than in relationships. Often, we feel jealousy because there is a third party threat to our connection with someone. We feel un-included once they enter the picture and develop insecurity about the connection. We then make it about eliminating the threat rather than deepening the connection we have with our partner.