Gains behind your back

Gains behind your back

This surely has happened to almost everyone. You introduce someone important, you know to someone else. The second person then approaches the first person directly without your knowledge. This is not uncommon. They may strike up a friendship or relationship. There is no reason for you to complain about. After-all, all acquaintances, other than the relations within your family, every other relationship involved some form of introduction by someone else.
However think of what happens in some cases. The second person then tries to achieve something out of the acquaintance. Something that is not quite becoming. Something that may give you reason to be ashamed of. Perhaps the most common example of this sort involves the person trying to borrow money or try to influence the first person to do or give something that is not acceptable. This could well be a reason for you to feel ashamed and could be reason enough for you to lose esteem in the eyes of the first person. Your feeling of ire is then fully justified.

But there are some instances that are even more annoying, even incensing to you. These people who are not averse to using others try to gain something, that too even at the cost of hurting or destroying you to achieve his end. This may or may not have happened to you but to those who have had the misfortune of being at the receiving end it is both a saddening and angering moment. The response is anger and deeply felt sadness. Coupled with a sense of being cheated. One is in every way justified in feeling totally and completely angry.
How do we avoid such cheats? How can we avoid situation like this? This is such a difficult subject, and each case is different. It need be remembered that it could impact your friendship, your picture of not only this person but to all your friends, in short your belief in friendships and love.

There’s a lot written about how to get over betrayal, but not much to help sort through the feelings and conflicts that follow a betrayal. When we’ve been betrayed, we initially deny the truth. Denial often plays out in when you chooses not to believe that your friend actually did what he or she did. Then when it becomes clear that we have been at the receiving end, we experience a feeling of real loss. It is after this that anger emanates. And along with this an urge for revenge. But the end result is the feeling of guilt that you actually defeated yourself. A feeling that you should never have trusted this fellow in the first place.

Is there a way to avoid this? Well it need to be understood that there is no hard and fast methodology to avoid being betrayed. Unless you have chosen not to trust anyone. Yes there are some who trust none, but most common people trust at least a few. It may help if you curb your openness. Choose what you disclose, with clarity. What someone doesn’t know about you, cannot be used against you. This applies to those friends that you haven’t been known to you for a very long time and who is not someone have reason to trust.

Another way out is to avoid introducing your acquaintances to one another, unless it is imperative. You cannot avoid two people meeting, but as long as you are not the reason behind the meeting, you have no reason to complain. You could always claim that your relationship with the other person is rather distant and does not carry the freedom of introduction with others. And most importantly just keep your secrets to your very self regardless of what the others claim in terms of trustworthiness.

Finally you always have the option of being blunt and straight forward in saying that there is a boundary beyond which no one is welcome. You can say so in as many words or through actions that leave a clear message. You can draw a line that will be where the others remain. This approach is an almost sure fire way but has a serious drawback. In keeping people at a distance you may also end up keeping really good people with clear-mindedness and honesty. The fact is we have no way of knowing what goes on in another mind, except by judging their previous interactions. Even here we have no way of knowing when a person may change.

In my experience, the cases have been of the second type with me introducing someone and then finding myself left out and even being used or purposefully hurt. This has made me feel totally lost and cheated. There are even some names that carry pretenses of respectfulness, though I know what lies behind the mask. Names I would rather not mention. But no, I have not chosen to draw lines, nor do I keep people away. I still trust basic decency among people.